http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/opinion/sunday/secret-ingredient-for-success.html?_r=0
The link above is to a NY Times article about a single individuals and the changes that happened to his business because he was brave enough to undertake a thorough self-examination. Further in the article there is information about research that supports what he did.
My question....what would/could happen if entire congregations did this? As therapists we are constantly challenging people to make a fearless self-examination. Look at your biases. How are they holding your congregation back? Look at your failures and see what you can learn. Talk between members to learn about each other - much like the self-talk that happens to a person when they are self-examining.
Tradition is good, but can it be holding the church back? Are there parts of your religious tradition that only work for those who have been a part of it? Look at the iconography in traditional churches. How many people in the pews can actually say what the icon represents, why it was chosen and by what demographic?
Thought provoking article.....thoughts from you?
The Congregational Consultant
The Congregational Consultant explores all aspects of congregational life through the lens of systems theory. From the common challenges facing congregations to the psychology of individual personalities, the Congregational Consultant looks at the impact upon and the reaction of the various parts within the organized system - referred to as 'the dance'. No congregation has ever died from an issue, but rather from how an issue was handled.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
No Religious Affiliation - What's a church to do?
This year our congress has the most religiously diverse make
up in history. Among them is the first representative who listed her religious
affiliation as ‘none’. With the increasing number of people in the United
States who also state they have no religious affiliation, will we also be
seeing more representation to reflect that growing trend? Just under 20% of the
American population now indicate no religious affiliation. Two thirds of these
folks say they believe in God. 37% identify as spiritual but not religious and
twenty-one percent say they pray every day. Most of the unaffiliated are not
looking for a faith family. They indicate that religious organizations are ‘too
concerned with money and power, too focused on rules and too involved in
politics.’ Interestingly enough this same group feels that religious
organizations bring people together, strengthen community bonds, and play an
important role in helping the poor and needy. (1)
What would happen if a religious group decided to stop
meeting in a designated building? What if they met in homeless shelters? What
if they turned their buildings into homeless shelters? That would reduce the
concern about money and a place to meet. It would get the members into the
community and help the poor and needy. The number of people who worship in the
traditional manner are declining and there’s no end in sight. Culture has
shifted.
Of course, my previous statement is meant to make religious
organizations think outside the box. If those who are not affiliated and aren’t
worshipping in religious buildings were able to exercise their desire to be in
community and help the poor and needy came together what could happen? Along
with this trend is the concept of being spiritual and not religious. Can
churches and church people separate those two concepts? Religion as the
organized expression of a shared spirituality has had its day in the world.
What is that going to look like now? How will religious organizations start to
express spirituality in a manner that is congruent with the new culture, if not
by coming together in a building with lots of ritual and tradition?
What would happen if religious organizations started asking
people how they are expressing their spirituality outside of religion? Books
like An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor are leaving large hints for
the religious organizations of the world to pick up on. Some are finding God on
the mountain top (literally), others in family time. Still others in building
homes for the needy, working in soup kitchens, driving the elderly to doctors
appointments, to name but a few that I have heard. Aren’t these all spiritual
practices? Nurturing family, caring for the poor, helping the elderly, building
community? Isn't God to be found in each of these practices if the one who is doing the practice bring God with them?
Religious organizations of the fading past provided a
sanctuary for those who were part of the community. Rare was the person who did
not affiliate with or attend formal worship. That pendulum has swung the other
way. The religious organizations that have evolved into what look like
corporate organizations have become highly visible. Some of their activities
have become the reference point for the unchurched and a confirmation of all
that is wrong with formalized religion for those who had became disenfranchised.
So perhaps the ‘sanctuary’ of the church will be found in
community. Perhaps it will be found in a body of people who want to express
their spirituality in the world rather than in a building. How will your church
evolve?
(1) Information on this study is from a Pew Research project
from October 2012. More information about this research can be found at
http://www.pewforum.org/unaffiliated/nones-on-the-rise.aspx
Monday, November 12, 2012
Legitimate Needs – The Seventh Level of Intimacy
Legitimate needs are things we need to survive and there are
legitimate needs at every level of our existence. The legitimate needs of the
physical, intellectual and spiritual realms can be met without the assistance
of another person, in theory. It might not be fun but it can be done.
Legitimate emotional needs can only be met when we are in a relationship.
Needs are not wants. Needs are crucial to our well being.
Unmet physical needs cause physical death. Unmet intellectual needs
(stimulation and challenge) make our senses dull, lackluster, and slow down
response time. Unmet spiritual needs (silence and solitude) take us out of
touch with the wonder and awe that surrounds us – we become indifferent to the uniqueness
of each moment, which ultimately can affect our relationships. Unmet emotional
needs cause relationships to wither and die. We become serial lovers instead of
soul mates. We keep repeating our relationship mistakes over and over again –
at home, work, play, and church. We thrive when our legitimate needs are met –
especially if they are met in all of these areas.
It isn’t until we attain the seventh level of intimacy that
we can begin to build the best version of ourselves and allow others to do the
same. Levels three through six are about accepting others as unique
individuals. Being able to respond to each other in an on going, organic way,
as needs arise and sometimes even in anticipation of those needs arising, are
what level seven is all about.
So what are our legitimate emotional needs? Matthew Kelly
lists them as……
1. Opportunities to love and be loved.
2. Opportunities to express our opinions.
3. To be listened to and taken seriously.
4. To share your feelings.
5. To be accepted for who you are.
6. The need for intimacy.
How these needs are met are different for everyone. When
faced with a problem one person may need to be alone to think it through and
another may need to discuss it with a friend. Neither way is right, it is
whatever you need it to be. Another example – how do you know when you are
being taken seriously? One person may base it on the verbal response they get,
another on a behavioral response – neither is the ‘right’ way.
Don’t be persuaded by your wants. A life philosophy of
getting what you want is selfish and doesn’t speak of caring for another. It
isn’t based on giving and receiving. Satisfying a want at the expense of
another is not healthy relationship. Legitimate needs are not met by momentary
pleasure. To quote Matthew Kelly, “You can never really get enough of what you
don’t really need.”
Trouble comes when you and your partner both want what you
want and are not willing to attend to anyone else’s needs. If the two truly
don’t become one, intimacy fails. Relationships aren’t about getting what you
want, it’s about getting what you need and
being sure your partner gets what they need to become the
best-version-of-themselves. Matthew Kelly puts it this way, “Love is a desire
to see the person we love be and become all he or she is capable of being and
becoming.”
So how does this all shake out in the church relationships?
Here is a quick wrap up…..
1. Opportunities to love and be loved.
Where and
how does this happen in your church? Are people involved in the ministries they
are passionate about (opportunities to love others). Are people being loved by
the members of the church (i.e. allowed to pursue their ministry passions,
equal ‘air time’ with their opinions, respect when they differ, etc.)
2. Opportunities to express our opinions.
Are the
opinions of others allowed to be expressed? Are they invited to express them?
How does your church involve others in their decision making process? How do
they seek out those who are not in leadership positions to learn their feelings
on any particular topic?
3. To be listened to and taken seriously.
Once
someone is involved in an opportunity to share their opinion, are they listened
to? Are they taken seriously? How do you convey that they are being listened to
and taken seriously – even if what they have to say seems far out?
4. To share your feelings.
What
happens when someone is hurting at your church? Do they get the clichéd responses
like “All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord” or “God
won’t give you more than you can handle” or “God has a plan for this, just you
wait and see.” Such responses when someone is talking about their feelings are
actually a roadblock to relationship. These responses don’t convey the message
that you care about their feelings. These responses speak to the listener’s
relationship with God and can send a very different message than what you
intend. For example, they could be interpreted to mean, “Don’t talk to me about
this, talk to God” or “If you remembered this little bible verse you wouldn’t
be hurting so much.” Chances are if they are in church they know what God
thinks, they want to connect with YOU at the moment.
5. To be accepted for who you are.
Each of us
is a unique individual. We all have our quirks and peculiarities. Can you
welcome someone into your midst who struggles with more visible challenges
(i.e. poor social skills, substance abuse) than you do (i.e. gossip, lust,
etc)?
6. The need for intimacy.
So how much
do you know about someone who has just begun attending your church? Where do
they work? Do they have children? What brought them to your church in
particular? Getting to know someone through the 7 stages of intimacy right up
to this one is what creates healthy relationship and brings them into a
fellowship of people where they feel they can stay because it is the right
place for them.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Faults, Fears, and Failures – The Sixth Level of Intimacy
Matthew Kelly has subtitled this level of intimacy I Need Help! I’m Afraid! I Messed Up!
The subtitle sure does describe each and every one of us. While the previous
level certainly makes us vulnerable, like crawling around in the bushes at a
war zone, this level is pretty much like running around in an open field of a
war zone wearing a bright orange vest! In other words, we’re exposed. We’re not
just talking about our feelings,
we’re sharing where they come from. In a primary relationship, like that of
spouses, the revelations here can be pretty personal. In a church relationship,
our exposed sources of pain may be the church itself, church goers, or
religious people from our past. What you share with your church peers is
probably not going to be as deep as it will be with your primary relationships.
But that’s ok. Isn’t church for people who need help, are afraid, and have
messed up? The best place to be is among others who recognize the same things
about their selves!
Church relationships, when predicated on perfection, are
bound to fail at some point. No one is perfect, or ever will be on this side of
the Jordan! When people recognize their own faults, fears, and failures they
are then able to accept those of others. Not all church families are at this
point yet. If you are in one of them, you truly are blessed.
Can you admit to your congregational peers that you are less
than perfect? That you sometimes think poorly of others – maybe even judgmentally?
That you gossip? That you aren’t always truthful? That you can be critical or
sharp tongued? Can you tell them what you are afraid of if you are honest with
them? Like you fear they will stop being supportive and friendly? That they
won’t let you be in a leadership role? And what about your failures? Probably
most of them are in your past but they can affect the here and now. Can you
tell your fellow church goers that you have made bad choices? Can you tell them
that others have been hurt by those choices?
In the church setting, it might sound something like this.
“I know I can come across as harsh and critical so I hope you can see through
that (fault). I’m really afraid if
you don’t agree with me on this issues you’ll think I have nothing to offer you
(fear). In the past, when I have felt
like this I’ve usually just left and I don’t want to leave this church.” This
is, of course, the condensed version but I think you get the point.
The ability to do this as part of a couple indicates a high
level of maturity. The ability to do it within a congregation indicates a
highly mature congregation. Where is your congregation?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
You Shouldn’t feel that way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (part 3)
So we’ve looked at feelings from a couple of points of view.
First just understanding them, next trying to state our own and recognize those
of others. Lastly, obstacles to listening – really
listening. Part 2 of this series talked about what listening isn’t. In this last part we’ll take a
quick look at those things that can make listening difficult.
The best test of good listening is to repeat back to the
person speaking what you heard with your own interpretation. You may say back
to someone, “So you’re upset with me because I didn’t remember to pick up those
parts today” and the answer is a resounding, “No! I’m angry because I’ve asked
you for 3 days in a row and I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall!” In a
perfect world, your response would be, “Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re absolutely
right about that. You must feel like you’re just a voice in the wind when I do
that. I’ll drop what I’m doing right now and go get them.” Got it? If it were
only that simple. Actually, saying it wouldn’t be so hard – remembering to do
it in the moment, not so much. Let’s take a look at this a little closer to
find the obstacles to good listening.
First, our own feelings will get in the way. Whatever
feeling comes up for you in that kind of moment will most likely hijack your
thinking. You may get angry because of the tone of voice, because your partner
is right and you feel ashamed, you may be wired for an argument because you had
a bad day, the list goes on. So those feelings of ours move us to the next
obstacle to good listening – defensiveness. We want the other person to know
why we messed up and we’re looking for a little grace. In that moment we can’t
even hear the other person’s comments as valid and we’re off again….
Sometimes when we are listening to others, it’s so hard to
sit with them because what they are telling us makes us uncomfortable. They may
be venting about a situation in their life, grieving, confused, or hurt.
Instead of listening carefully and with empathy, we are planning our next
remark or thinking about what they ‘should’ do about it. And all the while
feeling very helpless. Here’s a helpful hint – listening well IS doing
something, more than you may even know.
One of the most common mistakes in these moments is making
what you think is a feeling statement but it’s really a thinking statement. So
saying, “I feel you need to apologize to me” isn’t a feeling statement. So yes,
what we feel is valid and other’s can’t tell us what to feel or not feel.
Disguising a directive as a feeling statement won’t work to heal/help a
relationship.
So, what about church? Those relationships may not be as
deep as a couples relationship but it is certainly important that those who
worship together work at understanding each other. Listening to why someone is
so upset about an anticipated decision helps you to understand them better. It
may reveal an alternative outcome to an anticipated decision or a different way
of thinking about a situation. At the very least it will send the message that
they matter to you and that they are worth listening to.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
You Shouldn’t Feel That Way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (part 2)
Part 1 of this blog topic began to look one’s feelings.
There have been volumes written on this topic so what is shared here is just an
overview. As promised, this continuation of the first part will look at naming
your own feelings and listening to the feelings of others. I’ll start with
naming your own feelings. Quick……name the first three feelings that come to
your mind. Really, before you read any further, close your eyes and name them.
I’d be willing to bet you named happy, sad, and mad. These are the most basic
of feelings and we usually become very familiar with them as children. However,
if you do an internet search for a ‘list of feeling words’ or something similar
to that you will be amazed at the words you know that describe feelings.
Granted, many of them are synonyms for our three basic words, but each of them
conveys a different state of the same feeling. For instance, just the word mad
can be expressed with many words that indicate the degree/type of mad – from
mildly irritated to murderous rage.
Naming our feelings helps us to better convey to someone how
we are feeling and helps us to get a grasp on the intensity of the feeling.
Hopefully it pushes us to explore even further to try and understand why we are
responding like we are to the situation. Our typical human response is to
assume that everyone will react as we are. If you check that out through your
own experience you will notice that it isn’t true. Something said to you may
elicit rage while to someone else it’s only mildly provocative – not even
worthy of an argument. Discovering this and sharing it with someone is what
helps develop a deeper, more intimate relationship or a better understanding of
them.
On the other hand, listening to the feelings of others will
help you to better understand them and help that relationship move into a more
meaningful place even more quickly. And you can help someone else with their
feelings. I like to call it ‘mining’ the conversation. When you are in a
conversation with someone, pay attention to what is said and remember that
there is something important about it to the speaker. Ask the questions that
will help you understand why it is important. You may see them get enthused,
excited, angry, pensive, or any other number of things and you can ask them
about that reaction. Saying things like, “Wow, this is really important to you.
Tell me more about it” can reveal things from their past that helps you become
closer or understand them better. Much can be learned about someone from these
responses. Compare these two potential answers to your question: “Is important
to me because it will give me a chance to do something I love” or “It’s
important to me because it’s the disease I lost my father to.”
Listening doesn’t necessarily mean hearing with your ears!
If you pay close attention you will notice body language that tells you
something about the conversation. When people are excited about something their
eyes open wide, they may sit forward with an open body posture. If they are
angry they most likely show it on their face with a grimace. These are moments
when you can help the relationship by reflecting what you see. Asking, “I
noticed that when we mentioned Joe Smith you didn’t look too happy. Is there
something about that topic that’s hard for you?”
This sort of conversation is very difficult and awkward if
you aren’t used to doing it. And doing it in a setting with your church folk
can be especially difficult because of the fear that we will embarrass our self
or the person we are talking to. But genuine deep concern for the other person
and a desire to understand so resolution and compromise can happen will make it
easier to try. And the more you do it, the easier it gets!
And you won’t enjoy expressing all of your feelings but
learning to do so, especially the negative ones, like anger, hurt,
disappointment, and despair, to name a few, actually helps heal your own self
and a relationship. Being able to talk about past loss, hurt, or pain in the
church setting helps others to understand why you may have strong feelings
toward certain proposals and make them more likely to consider a compromise.
Last, remember that listening is just that – LISTENING! Not
defending yourself, not trying to ‘fix it’, not offering possible solutions to
other person’s situation, not working on what you are going to say back and no
problem solving. It’s amazing how far good listening will take a relationship
and help a body of people learn to practice grace!
In the last part on this topic of feelings I will talk about
obstacles to good listening.
Monday, June 18, 2012
You Shouldn’t Feel That Way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (Part 1)
“The fifth level of intimacy is about getting comfortable
with our own feelings and learning to express them to the people we love. The
fifth level of feelings is also very much about learning to listen to others,
but it is also about learning to listen to ourselves.” This excerpt from
Matthew Kelly’s book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy implies that in order
for this level to have a positive impact on your relationships, feelings need
to be expressed well and listened to well.
Feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are. You can’t
control what feeling pops up in reaction to any given situation. Your feeling
reactions are imprinted early in your life, some research would suggest even
before birth, and therefore there is no learning to stop during a situation and
ask yourself, “Hmmm, I guess I need to choose which feeling I am going have in
response to this event.”
The real questions around our feelings involve figuring out
how we feel, how to effectively convey those feelings, and how to manage our
behavioral expression of those feelings. Easily listed, not so easily done.
Feeling angry is okay, screaming in someone’s face at point blank range is not.
When emotions are expressed well others can know us at a much deeper level and
we can feel understood – maybe even get a need met! In the church setting, we
may not reveal as much as we would with an intimate partner, but we can reveal
enough in an effective manner to be heard as someone with valid input to a
conversation rather than a bully, a blow hard, a cry baby, a whiner, or a
stubborn mule.
Sharing our feelings creates a much more tender level of
vulnerability. It’s like showing someone an open would and trusting that they
won’t pour salt in. That level of trust comes only from taking the risk on
smaller, less important issues so that we can open up on bigger, more important
issues later in the relationship. So what’s the payback for taking such a risk?
Deeper, more meaningful relationships. What’s so important about meaningful
relationships? They benefit our individual mental health and when a group can
operate successfully at this level it can grow, nurture, and benefit an entire
community.
The key to expressing feelings in a way that deepens
intimacy is non-judgmental acceptance. Can you hear what someone else feels and
accept it for what it is? Can you respond to their feelings with empathy? After
someone has shared how they feel, statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that
way,” “That just makes no sense at all,” or “No one else would ever feel that
way” are judgments and intimacy killers. You have just told someone that there’s
something wrong with him because of how he feels – something over which he has
no control. Along with judgment, criticism and rejection are feared experiences
that may result from being open and honest about one’s feelings.
What else gets in the way at this level? An inability to
name our feelings can bring this process to a screeching halt. Difficulty
listening to the feelings of others will also put a quick end to this process. Part
2 of this blog will address naming your own feelings and listening to the
feelings of others. Part 3 will address obstacles to listening. Stay tuned!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)