What if entire congregations did this?

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/opinion/sunday/secret-ingredient-for-success.html?_r=0

The link above is to a NY Times article about a single individuals and the changes that happened to his business because he was brave enough to undertake a thorough self-examination. Further in the article there is information about research that supports what he did.

My question....what would/could happen if entire congregations did this? As therapists we are constantly challenging people to make a fearless self-examination. Look at your biases. How are they holding your congregation back? Look at your failures and see what you can learn. Talk between members to learn about each other - much like the self-talk that happens to a person when they are self-examining.

Tradition is good, but can it be holding the church back? Are there parts of your religious tradition that only work for those who have been a part of it? Look at the iconography in traditional churches. How many people in the pews can actually say what the icon represents, why it was chosen and by what demographic?

Thought provoking article.....thoughts from you?

No Religious Affiliation - What's a church to do?

This year our congress has the most religiously diverse make up in history. Among them is the first representative who listed her religious affiliation as ‘none’. With the increasing number of people in the United States who also state they have no religious affiliation, will we also be seeing more representation to reflect that growing trend? Just under 20% of the American population now indicate no religious affiliation. Two thirds of these folks say they believe in God. 37% identify as spiritual but not religious and twenty-one percent say they pray every day. Most of the unaffiliated are not looking for a faith family. They indicate that religious organizations are ‘too concerned with money and power, too focused on rules and too involved in politics.’ Interestingly enough this same group feels that religious organizations bring people together, strengthen community bonds, and play an important role in helping the poor and needy. (1)

What would happen if a religious group decided to stop meeting in a designated building? What if they met in homeless shelters? What if they turned their buildings into homeless shelters? That would reduce the concern about money and a place to meet. It would get the members into the community and help the poor and needy. The number of people who worship in the traditional manner are declining and there’s no end in sight. Culture has shifted.

Of course, my previous statement is meant to make religious organizations think outside the box. If those who are not affiliated and aren’t worshipping in religious buildings were able to exercise their desire to be in community and help the poor and needy came together what could happen? Along with this trend is the concept of being spiritual and not religious. Can churches and church people separate those two concepts? Religion as the organized expression of a shared spirituality has had its day in the world. What is that going to look like now? How will religious organizations start to express spirituality in a manner that is congruent with the new culture, if not by coming together in a building with lots of ritual and tradition?

What would happen if religious organizations started asking people how they are expressing their spirituality outside of religion? Books like An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor are leaving large hints for the religious organizations of the world to pick up on. Some are finding God on the mountain top (literally), others in family time. Still others in building homes for the needy, working in soup kitchens, driving the elderly to doctors appointments, to name but a few that I have heard. Aren’t these all spiritual practices? Nurturing family, caring for the poor, helping the elderly, building community? Isn't God to be found in each of these practices if the one who is doing the practice bring God with them?

Religious organizations of the fading past provided a sanctuary for those who were part of the community. Rare was the person who did not affiliate with or attend formal worship. That pendulum has swung the other way. The religious organizations that have evolved into what look like corporate organizations have become highly visible. Some of their activities have become the reference point for the unchurched and a confirmation of all that is wrong with formalized religion for those who had became disenfranchised.  

So perhaps the ‘sanctuary’ of the church will be found in community. Perhaps it will be found in a body of people who want to express their spirituality in the world rather than in a building. How will your church evolve?

(1) Information on this study is from a Pew Research project from October 2012. More information about this research can be found at http://www.pewforum.org/unaffiliated/nones-on-the-rise.aspx

Legitimate Needs – The Seventh Level of Intimacy

 Legitimate needs are things we need to survive and there are legitimate needs at every level of our existence. The legitimate needs of the physical, intellectual and spiritual realms can be met without the assistance of another person, in theory. It might not be fun but it can be done. Legitimate emotional needs can only be met when we are in a relationship.

Needs are not wants. Needs are crucial to our well being. Unmet physical needs cause physical death. Unmet intellectual needs (stimulation and challenge) make our senses dull, lackluster, and slow down response time. Unmet spiritual needs (silence and solitude) take us out of touch with the wonder and awe that surrounds us – we become indifferent to the uniqueness of each moment, which ultimately can affect our relationships. Unmet emotional needs cause relationships to wither and die. We become serial lovers instead of soul mates. We keep repeating our relationship mistakes over and over again – at home, work, play, and church. We thrive when our legitimate needs are met – especially if they are met in all of these areas.

It isn’t until we attain the seventh level of intimacy that we can begin to build the best version of ourselves and allow others to do the same. Levels three through six are about accepting others as unique individuals. Being able to respond to each other in an on going, organic way, as needs arise and sometimes even in anticipation of those needs arising, are what level seven is all about.

So what are our legitimate emotional needs? Matthew Kelly lists them as……

1. Opportunities to love and be loved.

2. Opportunities to express our opinions.

3. To be listened to and taken seriously.

4. To share your feelings.

5. To be accepted for who you are.

6. The need for intimacy.

How these needs are met are different for everyone. When faced with a problem one person may need to be alone to think it through and another may need to discuss it with a friend. Neither way is right, it is whatever you need it to be. Another example – how do you know when you are being taken seriously? One person may base it on the verbal response they get, another on a behavioral response – neither is the ‘right’ way.

Don’t be persuaded by your wants. A life philosophy of getting what you want is selfish and doesn’t speak of caring for another. It isn’t based on giving and receiving. Satisfying a want at the expense of another is not healthy relationship. Legitimate needs are not met by momentary pleasure. To quote Matthew Kelly, “You can never really get enough of what you don’t really need.”

Trouble comes when you and your partner both want what you want and are not willing to attend to anyone else’s needs. If the two truly don’t become one, intimacy fails. Relationships aren’t about getting what you want, it’s about getting what you need and being sure your partner gets what they need to become the best-version-of-themselves. Matthew Kelly puts it this way, “Love is a desire to see the person we love be and become all he or she is capable of being and becoming.”

So how does this all shake out in the church relationships? Here is a quick wrap up…..

1. Opportunities to love and be loved.

            Where and how does this happen in your church? Are people involved in the ministries they are passionate about (opportunities to love others). Are people being loved by the members of the church (i.e. allowed to pursue their ministry passions, equal ‘air time’ with their opinions, respect when they differ, etc.)

2. Opportunities to express our opinions.

            Are the opinions of others allowed to be expressed? Are they invited to express them? How does your church involve others in their decision making process? How do they seek out those who are not in leadership positions to learn their feelings on any particular topic?

3. To be listened to and taken seriously.

            Once someone is involved in an opportunity to share their opinion, are they listened to? Are they taken seriously? How do you convey that they are being listened to and taken seriously – even if what they have to say seems far out?

4. To share your feelings.

            What happens when someone is hurting at your church? Do they get the clichéd responses like “All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle” or “God has a plan for this, just you wait and see.” Such responses when someone is talking about their feelings are actually a roadblock to relationship. These responses don’t convey the message that you care about their feelings. These responses speak to the listener’s relationship with God and can send a very different message than what you intend. For example, they could be interpreted to mean, “Don’t talk to me about this, talk to God” or “If you remembered this little bible verse you wouldn’t be hurting so much.” Chances are if they are in church they know what God thinks, they want to connect with YOU at the moment.

5. To be accepted for who you are.

            Each of us is a unique individual. We all have our quirks and peculiarities. Can you welcome someone into your midst who struggles with more visible challenges (i.e. poor social skills, substance abuse) than you do (i.e. gossip, lust, etc)?

6. The need for intimacy.

            So how much do you know about someone who has just begun attending your church? Where do they work? Do they have children? What brought them to your church in particular? Getting to know someone through the 7 stages of intimacy right up to this one is what creates healthy relationship and brings them into a fellowship of people where they feel they can stay because it is the right place for them.

Faults, Fears, and Failures – The Sixth Level of Intimacy

Matthew Kelly has subtitled this level of intimacy I Need Help! I’m Afraid! I Messed Up! The subtitle sure does describe each and every one of us. While the previous level certainly makes us vulnerable, like crawling around in the bushes at a war zone, this level is pretty much like running around in an open field of a war zone wearing a bright orange vest! In other words, we’re exposed. We’re not just talking about our feelings, we’re sharing where they come from. In a primary relationship, like that of spouses, the revelations here can be pretty personal. In a church relationship, our exposed sources of pain may be the church itself, church goers, or religious people from our past. What you share with your church peers is probably not going to be as deep as it will be with your primary relationships. But that’s ok. Isn’t church for people who need help, are afraid, and have messed up? The best place to be is among others who recognize the same things about their selves!

Church relationships, when predicated on perfection, are bound to fail at some point. No one is perfect, or ever will be on this side of the Jordan! When people recognize their own faults, fears, and failures they are then able to accept those of others. Not all church families are at this point yet. If you are in one of them, you truly are blessed.

Can you admit to your congregational peers that you are less than perfect? That you sometimes think poorly of others – maybe even judgmentally? That you gossip? That you aren’t always truthful? That you can be critical or sharp tongued? Can you tell them what you are afraid of if you are honest with them? Like you fear they will stop being supportive and friendly? That they won’t let you be in a leadership role? And what about your failures? Probably most of them are in your past but they can affect the here and now. Can you tell your fellow church goers that you have made bad choices? Can you tell them that others have been hurt by those choices?

In the church setting, it might sound something like this. “I know I can come across as harsh and critical so I hope you can see through that (fault). I’m really afraid if you don’t agree with me on this issues you’ll think I have nothing to offer you (fear). In the past, when I have felt like this I’ve usually just left and I don’t want to leave this church.” This is, of course, the condensed version but I think you get the point.

The ability to do this as part of a couple indicates a high level of maturity. The ability to do it within a congregation indicates a highly mature congregation. Where is your congregation?

You Shouldn’t feel that way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (part 3)

So we’ve looked at feelings from a couple of points of view. First just understanding them, next trying to state our own and recognize those of others. Lastly, obstacles to listening – really listening. Part 2 of this series talked about what listening isn’t. In this last part we’ll take a quick look at those things that can make listening difficult.

The best test of good listening is to repeat back to the person speaking what you heard with your own interpretation. You may say back to someone, “So you’re upset with me because I didn’t remember to pick up those parts today” and the answer is a resounding, “No! I’m angry because I’ve asked you for 3 days in a row and I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall!” In a perfect world, your response would be, “Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re absolutely right about that. You must feel like you’re just a voice in the wind when I do that. I’ll drop what I’m doing right now and go get them.” Got it? If it were only that simple. Actually, saying it wouldn’t be so hard – remembering to do it in the moment, not so much. Let’s take a look at this a little closer to find the obstacles to good listening.

First, our own feelings will get in the way. Whatever feeling comes up for you in that kind of moment will most likely hijack your thinking. You may get angry because of the tone of voice, because your partner is right and you feel ashamed, you may be wired for an argument because you had a bad day, the list goes on. So those feelings of ours move us to the next obstacle to good listening – defensiveness. We want the other person to know why we messed up and we’re looking for a little grace. In that moment we can’t even hear the other person’s comments as valid and we’re off again….

Sometimes when we are listening to others, it’s so hard to sit with them because what they are telling us makes us uncomfortable. They may be venting about a situation in their life, grieving, confused, or hurt. Instead of listening carefully and with empathy, we are planning our next remark or thinking about what they ‘should’ do about it. And all the while feeling very helpless. Here’s a helpful hint – listening well IS doing something, more than you may even know.

One of the most common mistakes in these moments is making what you think is a feeling statement but it’s really a thinking statement. So saying, “I feel you need to apologize to me” isn’t a feeling statement. So yes, what we feel is valid and other’s can’t tell us what to feel or not feel. Disguising a directive as a feeling statement won’t work to heal/help a relationship.

So, what about church? Those relationships may not be as deep as a couples relationship but it is certainly important that those who worship together work at understanding each other. Listening to why someone is so upset about an anticipated decision helps you to understand them better. It may reveal an alternative outcome to an anticipated decision or a different way of thinking about a situation. At the very least it will send the message that they matter to you and that they are worth listening to.

You Shouldn’t Feel That Way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (part 2)

Part 1 of this blog topic began to look one’s feelings. There have been volumes written on this topic so what is shared here is just an overview. As promised, this continuation of the first part will look at naming your own feelings and listening to the feelings of others. I’ll start with naming your own feelings. Quick……name the first three feelings that come to your mind. Really, before you read any further, close your eyes and name them. I’d be willing to bet you named happy, sad, and mad. These are the most basic of feelings and we usually become very familiar with them as children. However, if you do an internet search for a ‘list of feeling words’ or something similar to that you will be amazed at the words you know that describe feelings. Granted, many of them are synonyms for our three basic words, but each of them conveys a different state of the same feeling. For instance, just the word mad can be expressed with many words that indicate the degree/type of mad – from mildly irritated to murderous rage.

Naming our feelings helps us to better convey to someone how we are feeling and helps us to get a grasp on the intensity of the feeling. Hopefully it pushes us to explore even further to try and understand why we are responding like we are to the situation. Our typical human response is to assume that everyone will react as we are. If you check that out through your own experience you will notice that it isn’t true. Something said to you may elicit rage while to someone else it’s only mildly provocative – not even worthy of an argument. Discovering this and sharing it with someone is what helps develop a deeper, more intimate relationship or a better understanding of them.

On the other hand, listening to the feelings of others will help you to better understand them and help that relationship move into a more meaningful place even more quickly. And you can help someone else with their feelings. I like to call it ‘mining’ the conversation. When you are in a conversation with someone, pay attention to what is said and remember that there is something important about it to the speaker. Ask the questions that will help you understand why it is important. You may see them get enthused, excited, angry, pensive, or any other number of things and you can ask them about that reaction. Saying things like, “Wow, this is really important to you. Tell me more about it” can reveal things from their past that helps you become closer or understand them better. Much can be learned about someone from these responses. Compare these two potential answers to your question: “Is important to me because it will give me a chance to do something I love” or “It’s important to me because it’s the disease I lost my father to.”

Listening doesn’t necessarily mean hearing with your ears! If you pay close attention you will notice body language that tells you something about the conversation. When people are excited about something their eyes open wide, they may sit forward with an open body posture. If they are angry they most likely show it on their face with a grimace. These are moments when you can help the relationship by reflecting what you see. Asking, “I noticed that when we mentioned Joe Smith you didn’t look too happy. Is there something about that topic that’s hard for you?”

This sort of conversation is very difficult and awkward if you aren’t used to doing it. And doing it in a setting with your church folk can be especially difficult because of the fear that we will embarrass our self or the person we are talking to. But genuine deep concern for the other person and a desire to understand so resolution and compromise can happen will make it easier to try. And the more you do it, the easier it gets!

And you won’t enjoy expressing all of your feelings but learning to do so, especially the negative ones, like anger, hurt, disappointment, and despair, to name a few, actually helps heal your own self and a relationship. Being able to talk about past loss, hurt, or pain in the church setting helps others to understand why you may have strong feelings toward certain proposals and make them more likely to consider a compromise.

Last, remember that listening is just that – LISTENING! Not defending yourself, not trying to ‘fix it’, not offering possible solutions to other person’s situation, not working on what you are going to say back and no problem solving. It’s amazing how far good listening will take a relationship and help a body of people learn to practice grace!

In the last part on this topic of feelings I will talk about obstacles to good listening.

You Shouldn’t Feel That Way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (Part 1)

“The fifth level of intimacy is about getting comfortable with our own feelings and learning to express them to the people we love. The fifth level of feelings is also very much about learning to listen to others, but it is also about learning to listen to ourselves.” This excerpt from Matthew Kelly’s book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy implies that in order for this level to have a positive impact on your relationships, feelings need to be expressed well and listened to well.

Feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are. You can’t control what feeling pops up in reaction to any given situation. Your feeling reactions are imprinted early in your life, some research would suggest even before birth, and therefore there is no learning to stop during a situation and ask yourself, “Hmmm, I guess I need to choose which feeling I am going have in response to this event.”

The real questions around our feelings involve figuring out how we feel, how to effectively convey those feelings, and how to manage our behavioral expression of those feelings. Easily listed, not so easily done. Feeling angry is okay, screaming in someone’s face at point blank range is not. When emotions are expressed well others can know us at a much deeper level and we can feel understood – maybe even get a need met! In the church setting, we may not reveal as much as we would with an intimate partner, but we can reveal enough in an effective manner to be heard as someone with valid input to a conversation rather than a bully, a blow hard, a cry baby, a whiner, or a stubborn mule.

Sharing our feelings creates a much more tender level of vulnerability. It’s like showing someone an open would and trusting that they won’t pour salt in. That level of trust comes only from taking the risk on smaller, less important issues so that we can open up on bigger, more important issues later in the relationship. So what’s the payback for taking such a risk? Deeper, more meaningful relationships. What’s so important about meaningful relationships? They benefit our individual mental health and when a group can operate successfully at this level it can grow, nurture, and benefit an entire community.

The key to expressing feelings in a way that deepens intimacy is non-judgmental acceptance. Can you hear what someone else feels and accept it for what it is? Can you respond to their feelings with empathy? After someone has shared how they feel, statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” “That just makes no sense at all,” or “No one else would ever feel that way” are judgments and intimacy killers. You have just told someone that there’s something wrong with him because of how he feels – something over which he has no control. Along with judgment, criticism and rejection are feared experiences that may result from being open and honest about one’s feelings.

What else gets in the way at this level? An inability to name our feelings can bring this process to a screeching halt. Difficulty listening to the feelings of others will also put a quick end to this process. Part 2 of this blog will address naming your own feelings and listening to the feelings of others. Part 3 will address obstacles to listening. Stay tuned!

Are You a Dream Killer?….Level 4…..Hopes and Dreams

Our dreams reveal who we are. They expose our hopes, what scares us, and our desires. To tell someone our dreams is to open our self up to the potential pain of judgment. Sharing our dreams with others can create conflict – which is fine as long as it is handled well. We only share our dreams with those we feel we are accepted by. In Mathew Kelly’s book he says, “Intimacy is the mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known.” Can we get there safely in a group such as a congregation?

So the questions that Mathew Kelly poses in his book are intended for couples but are apropos for groups as well. Which dreams will help the group become the best version of their self? How does the group decide which dreams to implement? The book indicates that the most important discipline in achieving dreams is the ability to delay gratification. How an individual does this affects the whole group. It can take a while to hear everyone’s dreams. Can you wait until everyone has shared and then work together? Or do you get so excited about what you dream that you are sure it’s the dream everyone should adopt?

Delayed gratification can be painful, excruciating even. Think of those you know who have achieved their dreams. Did it happen over night? One of the important points made in the chapter in the book on this topic is that mediocre masses spend time trying to avoid pain – those who excel learn to endure it. Lance Armstrong is quoted as saying, “Pain is temporary. But quitting lasts forever.”

You may need to change your outlook on the purpose of a relationship. Relationships are not supposed to exist only as a pleasantry of life. Relationships put a magnifying glass on those places in us that need polishing – and polishing can hurt. The attributes mentioned earlier, delayed gratification and the ability to listen to the dreams of others, can always be further developed. Can you practice delaying gratification and listening to others when you most want to satisfy your self or speak up? This is even more difficult when you are working within a group because there are many more voices, dreams, and hopes.

If you truly want to develop great group cohesion the group will have to practice these disciplines. Listening to others helps bring understanding about their passion, what energizes them, and what sparks their enthusiasm. Knowing what jazzes someone is to know what drives them and is part of a deep level of intimacy.

So what are the dream killers? Judgment, dismissal, minimizing, and destructive criticism to name a few. Just because our dreams aren’t the same doesn’t mean we can’t come to common ground. But we will never come to common ground if we can’t share. It doesn’t take long for someone to realize that they can’t share their dreams because they will be put down. Be sure you don’t have a case of the ‘yeah, buts’. That’s the disease where every dream is written off as impossible because someone can think of a reason that it won’t work. Other dream killer statements: we’ve tried that before, let me play the devil’s advocate (he really doesn’t need any help you know), that’ll never happen, that makes no sense. I’m sure you could add to the list.

Dream big. Dream together.

A Little Deeper Look at the Third Level of Intimacy: Opinions

Many of us don’t do well with conflict. Extreme conflict or low level subtle conflict may shut us down. Some people are hypervigilant when it comes to detecting the slightest hint of controversy. Given that opinions are likely to indicate controversy or potential conflict, here is where relationships can bottom out.

“The reason that it is so important to learn to thrive in the third level of intimacy by accepting each other in spite of our differing opinions is because we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel accepted by.”  This is the warning that Matthew Kelly includes in in chapter on the fourth level of intimacy, hopes and dreams. If we can’t get beyond the third level, we are at a very shallow level of relationship indeed.

We also tend to fool ourselves about our depth of relationship. We will say that we are at the other levels but as soon as we feel we are getting resistance, criticism, doubt, or any other sign of a lack of support, we use any one of a number of techniques to return to a shallower level. In fact the person we are sharing with may also use these techniques because she is uncomfortable for some reason. Some of these techniques could be humor, changing the subject, feigned agreement with our critic, and on and on.

For church members, lay leaders, and clergy, opinions are a part of the fabric of congregational life. Multiple denominations were birthed due to differing opinions and controversy. It’s inescapable. If we can see the goal of  talking about our opinions as exploring the topic and developing a fuller, more intimate understanding of one another, rather than establishing who is right and who is wrong (which is rarely the case), real relationship can become richer and more meaningful.

What does this mean for a congregation, board, or committee wrestling with a situation? It means that everyone has to make a real effort to see the other person’s point of view. Ask more questions about other people’s point of view than statements about your own. Answer honestly when asked a question. Understanding someone else’s point of view does not mean you accept their position, only that you understand. Matthew Kelly is correct when he says that acceptance is the secret to the third level.

Relationship challenges have the potential to help an individual become a better person. They are opportunities to learn about others and share about your self. A wonderful quote from the book says “It isn’t your job to fix the relationship. It is the relationship’s job to fix you.”

Let the Intimacy Begin....

 The first three levels of intimacy named by Matthew Kelly in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy are clichés, facts, and opinions. For many of us a good part of each day is spent in this shallow end of the intimacy pool. Sometimes it is so shallow that we are only getting the soles of our feet wet. Simple remarks that we aren’t really wanting a truthful response to are thrown out there to those who cross our paths. “How are you today” is asked of a receptionist while “I certainly hope he doesn’t tell me the truth” runs through our head. The same clichéd greeting, with or without the internal dialogue starts the conversation when we get home from work.

From the cliché level we move easily into the facts level. The receptionist might respond, “I’m fine. What’s the weather doing outside?” and we respond with a fact, “It’s snowing.” A few more pleasantries follow and we bury our head in a magazine while we wait for our name to be called. We might do the same thing to our partner when we get home.

If we are feeling a bit more daring with our partner we will venture into the opinions level. “It’s snowing” might be followed by our opinion, “I don’t think you should drive to that meeting tonight.” The opinion level is where most dialogue and depth of intimacy ends. Why is that? Because it is where we begin to be vulnerable. We don’t want to argue or look foolish.

So how would a conversation at church look following this pattern? How about something like this – “Hey! How are you this morning? I heard you were sick last week.” To which you would get something like this – “Hey, great to be back. I’m good now that I’ve taken a boat load of antibiotics. Thanks for asking!” So far so good, but there’s more. “I don’t know if you have heard this yet but pastor didn’t wear her vestments last week. She said it was too hot but I think she should wear them anyway – it’s part of the job and she knew that when she went to seminary.” Oh boy, now there’s a potential can of worms being opened. It can escalate quickly from here. Imagine if this was a question of theology!

In my opinion, this is where the point of disillusionment can rest most heavily. If you are in a relationship that goes to more depth than this, even all the way to the seventh level, and it falls apart because of a difference of opinion, it can be devastating. “I thought we had more than this. Walking away from this relationship because you don’t agree with me means that I can’t be real with you. You don’t value me because of me, you value me simply when I agreed with you.”

So let’s move this scenario from the sidewalk to the sanctuary. You have a number of relationships within your church that feel meaningful and then one day you begin to question some of the church teachings. You probably get many clichéd responses – like “Well, that’s where faith comes in – you just have to believe.” So you’ve just moved backwards in the intimacy venue from opinion to cliché.

But your curiosity is not satisfied and you begin to not only ask questions but take a stand that’s a bit different from that of your peers. You also begin to realize that each time you brooch the subject, someone is trying to tell you why you are wrong – they end their words with you by saying, “I’ll pray for you.” Before long you decide that you need to ‘take a break’ from church for a while and when you do, no one calls to check on you or visit you. People aren’t returning your calls, you’re extremely hurt and disillusioned – you thought they were your friends but you learned they were only friends as long as you thought like they do.

If you are a pastor, you may have experienced this at a denomination level rather than a church level. As a pastor, one of the greatest gifts you can give your congregants is the ability to tolerate sitting in the pews with a great diversity of view points. Many pastors spin their wheels trying to ‘get everyone on the same page.’ If parents did that with their children, the eldest children would be waiting forever for the younger children to catch up to their current maturity, they would be fed up with not being allowed to grow and would leave home.

Ahhh….but there’s the catch….can you, as pastor, sit with a diversity of view points while people are working their way through to an understanding of an issue that will make sense to them? Could you possibly even facilitate the journey for them? What if they end up at an understanding that doesn’t match yours? Can you stay in relationship with someone who doesn’t see things exactly as you do? This may be the point of intimacy that a church is functioning at. It’s a dangerous place because the premise is that as long as we all agree, we will get along. Intimacy is built on learning how to stay in relationship when there is stress.

Shallow Church Relationships

The Seven Levels of Intimacy

According to Matthew Kelly there are seven levels of intimacy. He describes them in his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, as they relate to couples. The principles however, apply to any relationship and any number of people. He describes succinctly how those of us who work with people in relationship understand intimacy: mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known. The principles could be applied to families and organizations – particularly the church.

The levels do not function as discrete modes of intimacy but intermingle at any given time, situation, or relationship. The seven levels described are:

(1) Clichés (“Pretty hot out there today, isn’t it?”)

(2) Facts (“Nasty accident on the road by the convenience store on my way home.”)

(3) Opinions (“I think the decision to change the date for the meeting is wrong.”)

(4) Hopes and Dreams (“Someday I’d like to own my own restaurant.”)

(5) Feelings (“This gray, rainy day has drained my motivation.”)

(6) Faults, Fears and Failures (“I am so messed up I can’t even make up my own mind.”)

(7) Legitimate Needs (“If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me. I need to be loved even after you know my dark side.”)

In this blog series, each of these will be explored as they relate to church relationships.

Many relationships, from casual acquaintances to long term committed partnerships, don’t advance past level three or four. There are a lot of people who would argue with me on this point, but if you ask people who deal at a professional level with relationships, they would agree. I have watched it in couples who have been together for decades – and these same people would report that they have a ‘deep relationship’. Relatively speaking, they probably have as deep a relationship as they can without some further guidance – maybe even as deep as it can be because of other issues – but we can always go deeper.

So what does this look like among church members? How does it benefit the local church or the church universal? How does a pastor nurture appropriate intimate relationships among their congregants? The next few blogs in this series will look at these questions as the seven levels are explored as they pertain to churches and their congregations.

The Clergy's Need For Affection

One of the frequently recurring findings on the assessments done for clergy (both candidates and already ordained) is an above average need for affection. There is no way to know if the reason this exists is consistent among this population (my guess is that it is not). What is more important to know on a more global basis is that this need exists. The follow up question would be, “How is it expected that this need will met by becoming clergy” or even if it is met at all. My experience is there are answers to both questions.

Let’s first look at how this need may be met by becoming clergy. The need for affection reflects a desire for positive emotional connection between people and the amount of closeness a person seeks. These criteria can be accomplished by expressing personal feelings to someone who is empathic, being supportive of others in troubled times, responding to others who share personal information in an empathic manner, and enjoying the encouragement of others for your efforts or encouraging others. They also indicate that the need for affection can be met both by showing affection and receiving affection.

These exchanges can be expressed verbally or behaviorally. Sometimes gifts are exchanged, loyalty is demonstrated in conflict situations, being flexible or accommodating, people pleasing, and giving others more than they want or need are examples of how this can happen in a pastoral relationship. There are also physical shows of affection that go beyond behavioral in that they involve the actual touching of two people. This is not always an appropriate option for clergy and their congregants. Certainly handshakes, high fives, and a hand on the shoulder can be appropriate as well as inappropriate – context is what makes the difference.

These expressions are common to the workplace and are many times not only shared between colleagues, but also between supervisors and their charges. The second question, the one that wonders if these needs for affection are met at all, is wrapped up in the answer to the first question.

There is a unique conundrum for clergy in the pulpit. What role do they play in the lives of their congregants? What is expected from them by the congregants and leaders of the church? Those who are active in church leadership are usually volunteers and rarely are they easily dismissed if their leadership is troublesome for the pastor. It is rarely clear who is in charge – is it the pastor? is it the lay leadership? The pastor is expected to lead the very people who sign their paycheck. Ideally, this becomes a well functioning partnership for the advancement of the kingdom. Anyone who spends much time in the church knows that this situation is rarely ideal.

This combination of dynamics is the perfect storm for clergy burnout. If the clergy’s need for affection has him people pleasing, working to satisfy everyone’s needs and desires, taking on work that others should be doing and participating in most of the church meetings, the first impact will be seen in the amount of time the clergy is spending ‘at work’ each week.

Secondary impacts will result from how this spent energy is interpreted by the congregants. Some congregants will offer gratitude. Because the need for affection is fed by gratitude, the clergy person is rewarded for this overfunctioning behavior, is led to do more to get ever increasing affection and a pattern has then been established. Pulling back is difficult because then congregants frame this as the clergy person ‘isn’t doing enough’, or some other negative connotation could occur.

Conversely, if the clergy isn’t getting any show of gratitude for what she feels is good work, she will work harder to get the withheld affection. Either way, the clergy is working very hard to earn the affection of the congregation. As they say, something’s gotta give! This endless, tiring circle of effort fuels burn out.

When burn out sets in, logic and rational thinking begin to fade away. Rationalizing bad behavior becomes easier. This is the point at which the clergy may seek out inappropriate affection from church members. The burnout problem becomes more than burn out, it becomes unethical behavior. At this point, clerics are risking their entire career.

How can this be managed in a way that is healthy? There are a few things that can help.

First, a supportive spouse can be a life saver. Second, a formal assessment of this need for affection will determine objectively for the clergy what their level of need is. An elevated need for affection is not a bad or good thing – it just is. What one does with this information is what determines good self-care. Another pro-active approach would be to consult a clergy coach. An open, honest conversation with that coach about how one responds to criticism and appreciation and how they affect pastoral behavior can help a cleric develop a personalized, planned response to these situations rather than become reactive in a manner than will compromise otherwise good ministry.

The Contemporary Church

Churches have filled many roles in the years they have been around. Down through the years the church as an institution, because it is made of people and serves people, has had a role in the community that tried to meet the needs of the people whom it served or wished to serve.

Luther nailed his 95 statements to the door of the church -  not because he was being insolent but because that is how information was disseminated. The church doors at that time were the old fashioned version of a bulletin board because one was sure to be reaching the vast majority of the community by doing so.

The church served as a community to those who were members of it's congregation. Grief and joy were shared among congregants. Solace was provided. Help in times of tragedy and trauma were available from the joint efforts of the members.

Entertainment also came by way of the church institution. Church socials of all ilks were offered and many times provided one of the few 'proper places' a young man could court someone who had caught his fancy. It certainly was the place to be if you wanted to impress a young lady's parents. In fact, the church also provided the setting to meet someone who was sure to be a potential ate your family was happy with.

The church setting provided a corporate setting for those of similar spiritual beliefs to worship. In doing so it provided a socially sanctioned way to teach succeeding generations a framework for life and a moral compass.

Spiritual leaders were available through the church even though not all churches had a full time minister. When the west was being settled many churches only had access to a minister on a rotating basis. The visit from the minister was eagerly anticipated and what was shared and interpreted via their holy book was interpreted by many as the basis for their own opinions about civil and political life choices.

Networking and business connections were nurtured not only on meeting day but throughout the week and via the social activities of the church.

How many of these social needs today are met in other ways on a more frequent basis? Cyber space allows people to talk to long lost classmates, friends and family on a daily basis. Support, understanding, and advice are all readily available from reliable sources. Business networking and hiring now can begin and end online.

What does this leave for the church of the 21st century to provide for it's adherents? Let's talk!