Part 1 of this blog topic began to look one’s feelings.
There have been volumes written on this topic so what is shared here is just an
overview. As promised, this continuation of the first part will look at naming
your own feelings and listening to the feelings of others. I’ll start with
naming your own feelings. Quick……name the first three feelings that come to
your mind. Really, before you read any further, close your eyes and name them.
I’d be willing to bet you named happy, sad, and mad. These are the most basic
of feelings and we usually become very familiar with them as children. However,
if you do an internet search for a ‘list of feeling words’ or something similar
to that you will be amazed at the words you know that describe feelings.
Granted, many of them are synonyms for our three basic words, but each of them
conveys a different state of the same feeling. For instance, just the word mad
can be expressed with many words that indicate the degree/type of mad – from
mildly irritated to murderous rage.
Naming our feelings helps us to better convey to someone how
we are feeling and helps us to get a grasp on the intensity of the feeling.
Hopefully it pushes us to explore even further to try and understand why we are
responding like we are to the situation. Our typical human response is to
assume that everyone will react as we are. If you check that out through your
own experience you will notice that it isn’t true. Something said to you may
elicit rage while to someone else it’s only mildly provocative – not even
worthy of an argument. Discovering this and sharing it with someone is what
helps develop a deeper, more intimate relationship or a better understanding of
them.
On the other hand, listening to the feelings of others will
help you to better understand them and help that relationship move into a more
meaningful place even more quickly. And you can help someone else with their
feelings. I like to call it ‘mining’ the conversation. When you are in a
conversation with someone, pay attention to what is said and remember that
there is something important about it to the speaker. Ask the questions that
will help you understand why it is important. You may see them get enthused,
excited, angry, pensive, or any other number of things and you can ask them
about that reaction. Saying things like, “Wow, this is really important to you.
Tell me more about it” can reveal things from their past that helps you become
closer or understand them better. Much can be learned about someone from these
responses. Compare these two potential answers to your question: “Is important
to me because it will give me a chance to do something I love” or “It’s
important to me because it’s the disease I lost my father to.”
Listening doesn’t necessarily mean hearing with your ears!
If you pay close attention you will notice body language that tells you
something about the conversation. When people are excited about something their
eyes open wide, they may sit forward with an open body posture. If they are
angry they most likely show it on their face with a grimace. These are moments
when you can help the relationship by reflecting what you see. Asking, “I
noticed that when we mentioned Joe Smith you didn’t look too happy. Is there
something about that topic that’s hard for you?”
This sort of conversation is very difficult and awkward if
you aren’t used to doing it. And doing it in a setting with your church folk
can be especially difficult because of the fear that we will embarrass our self
or the person we are talking to. But genuine deep concern for the other person
and a desire to understand so resolution and compromise can happen will make it
easier to try. And the more you do it, the easier it gets!
And you won’t enjoy expressing all of your feelings but
learning to do so, especially the negative ones, like anger, hurt,
disappointment, and despair, to name a few, actually helps heal your own self
and a relationship. Being able to talk about past loss, hurt, or pain in the
church setting helps others to understand why you may have strong feelings
toward certain proposals and make them more likely to consider a compromise.
Last, remember that listening is just that – LISTENING! Not
defending yourself, not trying to ‘fix it’, not offering possible solutions to
other person’s situation, not working on what you are going to say back and no
problem solving. It’s amazing how far good listening will take a relationship
and help a body of people learn to practice grace!
In the last part on this topic of feelings I will talk about
obstacles to good listening.
