Our dreams reveal who we are. They expose our hopes, what
scares us, and our desires. To tell someone our dreams is to open
our self up to the potential pain of judgment. Sharing our dreams with others
can create conflict – which is fine as long as it is handled well. We only
share our dreams with those we feel we are accepted by. In Mathew Kelly’s book
he says, “Intimacy is the mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be
known.” Can we get there safely in a group such as a congregation?
So the questions that Mathew Kelly poses in his book are
intended for couples but are apropos for groups as well. Which dreams will help
the group become the best version of their self? How does the group decide
which dreams to implement? The book indicates that the most important
discipline in achieving dreams is the ability to delay gratification. How an
individual does this affects the whole group. It can take a while to hear
everyone’s dreams. Can you wait until everyone has shared and then work
together? Or do you get so excited about what you dream that you are sure it’s the dream everyone should
adopt?
Delayed gratification can be painful, excruciating even.
Think of those you know who have achieved their dreams. Did it happen over
night? One of the important points made in the chapter in the book on this
topic is that mediocre masses spend time trying to avoid pain – those who excel
learn to endure it. Lance Armstrong is quoted as saying, “Pain is temporary.
But quitting lasts forever.”
You may need to change your outlook on the purpose of a
relationship. Relationships are not supposed to exist only as a pleasantry of
life. Relationships put a magnifying glass on those places in us that need
polishing – and polishing can hurt. The attributes mentioned earlier, delayed
gratification and the ability to listen to the dreams of others, can always be
further developed. Can you practice delaying gratification and listening to
others when you most want to satisfy your self or speak up? This is even more
difficult when you are working within a group because there are many more
voices, dreams, and hopes.
If you truly want to develop great group cohesion the group
will have to practice these disciplines. Listening to others helps bring
understanding about their passion, what energizes them, and what sparks their
enthusiasm. Knowing what jazzes someone is to know what drives them and is part
of a deep level of intimacy.
So what are the dream killers? Judgment, dismissal,
minimizing, and destructive criticism to name a few. Just because our dreams
aren’t the same doesn’t mean we can’t come to common ground. But we will never
come to common ground if we can’t share. It doesn’t take long for someone to
realize that they can’t share their dreams because they will be put down. Be
sure you don’t have a case of the ‘yeah, buts’. That’s the disease where every
dream is written off as impossible because someone can think of a reason that
it won’t work. Other dream killer statements: we’ve tried that before, let me
play the devil’s advocate (he really doesn’t need any help you know), that’ll
never happen, that makes no sense. I’m sure you could add to the list.
Dream big. Dream together.
