Many of us don’t do well with conflict. Extreme conflict or
low level subtle conflict may shut us down. Some people are hypervigilant when
it comes to detecting the slightest hint of controversy. Given that opinions
are likely to indicate controversy or potential conflict, here is where
relationships can bottom out.
“The reason that it is so important to learn to thrive in
the third level of intimacy by accepting each other in spite of our differing
opinions is because we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel
accepted by.” This is the warning that
Matthew Kelly includes in in chapter on the fourth level of intimacy, hopes and
dreams. If we can’t get beyond the third level, we are at a very shallow level
of relationship indeed.
We also tend to fool ourselves about our depth of
relationship. We will say that we are at the other levels but as soon as we
feel we are getting resistance, criticism, doubt, or any other sign of a lack
of support, we use any one of a number of techniques to return to a shallower
level. In fact the person we are sharing with may also use these techniques
because she is uncomfortable for some reason. Some of these techniques could be
humor, changing the subject, feigned agreement with our critic, and on and on.
For church members, lay leaders, and clergy, opinions are a
part of the fabric of congregational life. Multiple denominations were birthed
due to differing opinions and controversy. It’s inescapable. If we can see the
goal of talking about our opinions as
exploring the topic and developing a fuller, more intimate understanding of one
another, rather than establishing who is right and who is wrong (which is
rarely the case), real relationship can become richer and more meaningful.
What does this mean for a congregation, board, or committee
wrestling with a situation? It means that everyone has to make a real effort to
see the other person’s point of view. Ask more questions about other people’s
point of view than statements about your own. Answer honestly when asked a
question. Understanding someone else’s point of view does not mean you accept
their position, only that you understand. Matthew Kelly is correct when he says
that acceptance is the secret to the third level.
Relationship challenges have the potential to help an
individual become a better person. They are opportunities to learn about others
and share about your self. A wonderful quote from the book says “It isn’t your
job to fix the relationship. It is the relationship’s job to fix you.”
