One of the frequently recurring findings on the assessments
done for clergy (both candidates and already ordained) is an above average need
for affection. There is no way to know if the reason this exists is consistent
among this population (my guess is that it is not). What is more important to
know on a more global basis is that this need exists. The follow up question
would be, “How is it expected that this need will met by becoming clergy” or
even if it is met at all. My experience is there are answers to both questions.
Let’s first look at how this need may be met by becoming
clergy. The need for affection reflects a desire for positive emotional
connection between people and the amount of closeness a person seeks. These
criteria can be accomplished by expressing personal feelings to someone who is
empathic, being supportive of others in troubled times, responding to others
who share personal information in an empathic manner, and enjoying the
encouragement of others for your efforts or encouraging others. They also
indicate that the need for affection can be met both by showing affection and
receiving affection.
These exchanges can be expressed verbally or behaviorally.
Sometimes gifts are exchanged, loyalty is demonstrated in conflict situations,
being flexible or accommodating, people pleasing, and giving others more than
they want or need are examples of how this can happen in a pastoral
relationship. There are also physical shows of affection that go beyond
behavioral in that they involve the actual touching of two people. This is not
always an appropriate option for clergy and their congregants. Certainly
handshakes, high fives, and a hand on the shoulder can be appropriate as well
as inappropriate – context is what makes the difference.
These expressions are common to the workplace and are many
times not only shared between colleagues, but also between supervisors and
their charges. The second question, the one that wonders if these needs for
affection are met at all, is wrapped up in the answer to the first question.
There is a unique conundrum for clergy in the pulpit. What
role do they play in the lives of their congregants? What is expected from them
by the congregants and leaders of the church? Those who are active in church
leadership are usually volunteers and rarely are they easily dismissed if their
leadership is troublesome for the pastor. It is rarely clear who is in charge –
is it the pastor? is it the lay leadership? The pastor is expected to lead the
very people who sign their paycheck. Ideally, this becomes a well functioning
partnership for the advancement of the kingdom. Anyone who spends much time in
the church knows that this situation is rarely ideal.
This combination of dynamics is the perfect storm for clergy
burnout. If the clergy’s need for affection has him people pleasing, working to
satisfy everyone’s needs and desires, taking on work that others should be doing
and participating in most of the church meetings, the first impact will be seen
in the amount of time the clergy is spending ‘at work’ each week.
Secondary impacts will result from how this spent energy is
interpreted by the congregants. Some congregants will offer gratitude. Because
the need for affection is fed by gratitude, the clergy person is rewarded for
this overfunctioning behavior, is led to do more to get ever increasing
affection and a pattern has then been established. Pulling back is difficult
because then congregants frame this as the clergy person ‘isn’t doing enough’,
or some other negative connotation could occur.
Conversely, if the clergy isn’t getting any show of
gratitude for what she feels is good work, she will work harder to get the
withheld affection. Either way, the clergy is working very hard to earn the
affection of the congregation. As they say, something’s gotta give! This
endless, tiring circle of effort fuels burn out.
When burn out sets in, logic and rational thinking begin to
fade away. Rationalizing bad behavior becomes easier. This is the point at
which the clergy may seek out inappropriate affection from church members. The
burnout problem becomes more than burn out, it becomes unethical behavior. At
this point, clerics are risking their entire career.
How can this be managed in a way that is healthy? There are
a few things that can help.
First, a supportive spouse can be a life saver. Second, a
formal assessment of this need for affection will determine objectively for the
clergy what their level of need is. An elevated need for affection is not a bad
or good thing – it just is. What one does with this information is what
determines good self-care. Another pro-active approach would be to consult a
clergy coach. An open, honest conversation with that coach about how one
responds to criticism and appreciation and how they affect pastoral behavior can
help a cleric develop a personalized, planned response to these situations
rather than become reactive in a manner than will compromise otherwise good ministry.
