You Shouldn’t Feel That Way….The Fifth Level of Intimacy, Feelings (Part 1)

“The fifth level of intimacy is about getting comfortable with our own feelings and learning to express them to the people we love. The fifth level of feelings is also very much about learning to listen to others, but it is also about learning to listen to ourselves.” This excerpt from Matthew Kelly’s book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy implies that in order for this level to have a positive impact on your relationships, feelings need to be expressed well and listened to well.

Feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are. You can’t control what feeling pops up in reaction to any given situation. Your feeling reactions are imprinted early in your life, some research would suggest even before birth, and therefore there is no learning to stop during a situation and ask yourself, “Hmmm, I guess I need to choose which feeling I am going have in response to this event.”

The real questions around our feelings involve figuring out how we feel, how to effectively convey those feelings, and how to manage our behavioral expression of those feelings. Easily listed, not so easily done. Feeling angry is okay, screaming in someone’s face at point blank range is not. When emotions are expressed well others can know us at a much deeper level and we can feel understood – maybe even get a need met! In the church setting, we may not reveal as much as we would with an intimate partner, but we can reveal enough in an effective manner to be heard as someone with valid input to a conversation rather than a bully, a blow hard, a cry baby, a whiner, or a stubborn mule.

Sharing our feelings creates a much more tender level of vulnerability. It’s like showing someone an open would and trusting that they won’t pour salt in. That level of trust comes only from taking the risk on smaller, less important issues so that we can open up on bigger, more important issues later in the relationship. So what’s the payback for taking such a risk? Deeper, more meaningful relationships. What’s so important about meaningful relationships? They benefit our individual mental health and when a group can operate successfully at this level it can grow, nurture, and benefit an entire community.

The key to expressing feelings in a way that deepens intimacy is non-judgmental acceptance. Can you hear what someone else feels and accept it for what it is? Can you respond to their feelings with empathy? After someone has shared how they feel, statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” “That just makes no sense at all,” or “No one else would ever feel that way” are judgments and intimacy killers. You have just told someone that there’s something wrong with him because of how he feels – something over which he has no control. Along with judgment, criticism and rejection are feared experiences that may result from being open and honest about one’s feelings.

What else gets in the way at this level? An inability to name our feelings can bring this process to a screeching halt. Difficulty listening to the feelings of others will also put a quick end to this process. Part 2 of this blog will address naming your own feelings and listening to the feelings of others. Part 3 will address obstacles to listening. Stay tuned!

Are You a Dream Killer?….Level 4…..Hopes and Dreams

Our dreams reveal who we are. They expose our hopes, what scares us, and our desires. To tell someone our dreams is to open our self up to the potential pain of judgment. Sharing our dreams with others can create conflict – which is fine as long as it is handled well. We only share our dreams with those we feel we are accepted by. In Mathew Kelly’s book he says, “Intimacy is the mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known.” Can we get there safely in a group such as a congregation?

So the questions that Mathew Kelly poses in his book are intended for couples but are apropos for groups as well. Which dreams will help the group become the best version of their self? How does the group decide which dreams to implement? The book indicates that the most important discipline in achieving dreams is the ability to delay gratification. How an individual does this affects the whole group. It can take a while to hear everyone’s dreams. Can you wait until everyone has shared and then work together? Or do you get so excited about what you dream that you are sure it’s the dream everyone should adopt?

Delayed gratification can be painful, excruciating even. Think of those you know who have achieved their dreams. Did it happen over night? One of the important points made in the chapter in the book on this topic is that mediocre masses spend time trying to avoid pain – those who excel learn to endure it. Lance Armstrong is quoted as saying, “Pain is temporary. But quitting lasts forever.”

You may need to change your outlook on the purpose of a relationship. Relationships are not supposed to exist only as a pleasantry of life. Relationships put a magnifying glass on those places in us that need polishing – and polishing can hurt. The attributes mentioned earlier, delayed gratification and the ability to listen to the dreams of others, can always be further developed. Can you practice delaying gratification and listening to others when you most want to satisfy your self or speak up? This is even more difficult when you are working within a group because there are many more voices, dreams, and hopes.

If you truly want to develop great group cohesion the group will have to practice these disciplines. Listening to others helps bring understanding about their passion, what energizes them, and what sparks their enthusiasm. Knowing what jazzes someone is to know what drives them and is part of a deep level of intimacy.

So what are the dream killers? Judgment, dismissal, minimizing, and destructive criticism to name a few. Just because our dreams aren’t the same doesn’t mean we can’t come to common ground. But we will never come to common ground if we can’t share. It doesn’t take long for someone to realize that they can’t share their dreams because they will be put down. Be sure you don’t have a case of the ‘yeah, buts’. That’s the disease where every dream is written off as impossible because someone can think of a reason that it won’t work. Other dream killer statements: we’ve tried that before, let me play the devil’s advocate (he really doesn’t need any help you know), that’ll never happen, that makes no sense. I’m sure you could add to the list.

Dream big. Dream together.

A Little Deeper Look at the Third Level of Intimacy: Opinions

Many of us don’t do well with conflict. Extreme conflict or low level subtle conflict may shut us down. Some people are hypervigilant when it comes to detecting the slightest hint of controversy. Given that opinions are likely to indicate controversy or potential conflict, here is where relationships can bottom out.

“The reason that it is so important to learn to thrive in the third level of intimacy by accepting each other in spite of our differing opinions is because we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel accepted by.”  This is the warning that Matthew Kelly includes in in chapter on the fourth level of intimacy, hopes and dreams. If we can’t get beyond the third level, we are at a very shallow level of relationship indeed.

We also tend to fool ourselves about our depth of relationship. We will say that we are at the other levels but as soon as we feel we are getting resistance, criticism, doubt, or any other sign of a lack of support, we use any one of a number of techniques to return to a shallower level. In fact the person we are sharing with may also use these techniques because she is uncomfortable for some reason. Some of these techniques could be humor, changing the subject, feigned agreement with our critic, and on and on.

For church members, lay leaders, and clergy, opinions are a part of the fabric of congregational life. Multiple denominations were birthed due to differing opinions and controversy. It’s inescapable. If we can see the goal of  talking about our opinions as exploring the topic and developing a fuller, more intimate understanding of one another, rather than establishing who is right and who is wrong (which is rarely the case), real relationship can become richer and more meaningful.

What does this mean for a congregation, board, or committee wrestling with a situation? It means that everyone has to make a real effort to see the other person’s point of view. Ask more questions about other people’s point of view than statements about your own. Answer honestly when asked a question. Understanding someone else’s point of view does not mean you accept their position, only that you understand. Matthew Kelly is correct when he says that acceptance is the secret to the third level.

Relationship challenges have the potential to help an individual become a better person. They are opportunities to learn about others and share about your self. A wonderful quote from the book says “It isn’t your job to fix the relationship. It is the relationship’s job to fix you.”

Let the Intimacy Begin....

 The first three levels of intimacy named by Matthew Kelly in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy are clichés, facts, and opinions. For many of us a good part of each day is spent in this shallow end of the intimacy pool. Sometimes it is so shallow that we are only getting the soles of our feet wet. Simple remarks that we aren’t really wanting a truthful response to are thrown out there to those who cross our paths. “How are you today” is asked of a receptionist while “I certainly hope he doesn’t tell me the truth” runs through our head. The same clichéd greeting, with or without the internal dialogue starts the conversation when we get home from work.

From the cliché level we move easily into the facts level. The receptionist might respond, “I’m fine. What’s the weather doing outside?” and we respond with a fact, “It’s snowing.” A few more pleasantries follow and we bury our head in a magazine while we wait for our name to be called. We might do the same thing to our partner when we get home.

If we are feeling a bit more daring with our partner we will venture into the opinions level. “It’s snowing” might be followed by our opinion, “I don’t think you should drive to that meeting tonight.” The opinion level is where most dialogue and depth of intimacy ends. Why is that? Because it is where we begin to be vulnerable. We don’t want to argue or look foolish.

So how would a conversation at church look following this pattern? How about something like this – “Hey! How are you this morning? I heard you were sick last week.” To which you would get something like this – “Hey, great to be back. I’m good now that I’ve taken a boat load of antibiotics. Thanks for asking!” So far so good, but there’s more. “I don’t know if you have heard this yet but pastor didn’t wear her vestments last week. She said it was too hot but I think she should wear them anyway – it’s part of the job and she knew that when she went to seminary.” Oh boy, now there’s a potential can of worms being opened. It can escalate quickly from here. Imagine if this was a question of theology!

In my opinion, this is where the point of disillusionment can rest most heavily. If you are in a relationship that goes to more depth than this, even all the way to the seventh level, and it falls apart because of a difference of opinion, it can be devastating. “I thought we had more than this. Walking away from this relationship because you don’t agree with me means that I can’t be real with you. You don’t value me because of me, you value me simply when I agreed with you.”

So let’s move this scenario from the sidewalk to the sanctuary. You have a number of relationships within your church that feel meaningful and then one day you begin to question some of the church teachings. You probably get many clichéd responses – like “Well, that’s where faith comes in – you just have to believe.” So you’ve just moved backwards in the intimacy venue from opinion to cliché.

But your curiosity is not satisfied and you begin to not only ask questions but take a stand that’s a bit different from that of your peers. You also begin to realize that each time you brooch the subject, someone is trying to tell you why you are wrong – they end their words with you by saying, “I’ll pray for you.” Before long you decide that you need to ‘take a break’ from church for a while and when you do, no one calls to check on you or visit you. People aren’t returning your calls, you’re extremely hurt and disillusioned – you thought they were your friends but you learned they were only friends as long as you thought like they do.

If you are a pastor, you may have experienced this at a denomination level rather than a church level. As a pastor, one of the greatest gifts you can give your congregants is the ability to tolerate sitting in the pews with a great diversity of view points. Many pastors spin their wheels trying to ‘get everyone on the same page.’ If parents did that with their children, the eldest children would be waiting forever for the younger children to catch up to their current maturity, they would be fed up with not being allowed to grow and would leave home.

Ahhh….but there’s the catch….can you, as pastor, sit with a diversity of view points while people are working their way through to an understanding of an issue that will make sense to them? Could you possibly even facilitate the journey for them? What if they end up at an understanding that doesn’t match yours? Can you stay in relationship with someone who doesn’t see things exactly as you do? This may be the point of intimacy that a church is functioning at. It’s a dangerous place because the premise is that as long as we all agree, we will get along. Intimacy is built on learning how to stay in relationship when there is stress.

Shallow Church Relationships

The Seven Levels of Intimacy

According to Matthew Kelly there are seven levels of intimacy. He describes them in his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, as they relate to couples. The principles however, apply to any relationship and any number of people. He describes succinctly how those of us who work with people in relationship understand intimacy: mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known. The principles could be applied to families and organizations – particularly the church.

The levels do not function as discrete modes of intimacy but intermingle at any given time, situation, or relationship. The seven levels described are:

(1) Clichés (“Pretty hot out there today, isn’t it?”)

(2) Facts (“Nasty accident on the road by the convenience store on my way home.”)

(3) Opinions (“I think the decision to change the date for the meeting is wrong.”)

(4) Hopes and Dreams (“Someday I’d like to own my own restaurant.”)

(5) Feelings (“This gray, rainy day has drained my motivation.”)

(6) Faults, Fears and Failures (“I am so messed up I can’t even make up my own mind.”)

(7) Legitimate Needs (“If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me. I need to be loved even after you know my dark side.”)

In this blog series, each of these will be explored as they relate to church relationships.

Many relationships, from casual acquaintances to long term committed partnerships, don’t advance past level three or four. There are a lot of people who would argue with me on this point, but if you ask people who deal at a professional level with relationships, they would agree. I have watched it in couples who have been together for decades – and these same people would report that they have a ‘deep relationship’. Relatively speaking, they probably have as deep a relationship as they can without some further guidance – maybe even as deep as it can be because of other issues – but we can always go deeper.

So what does this look like among church members? How does it benefit the local church or the church universal? How does a pastor nurture appropriate intimate relationships among their congregants? The next few blogs in this series will look at these questions as the seven levels are explored as they pertain to churches and their congregations.

The Clergy's Need For Affection

One of the frequently recurring findings on the assessments done for clergy (both candidates and already ordained) is an above average need for affection. There is no way to know if the reason this exists is consistent among this population (my guess is that it is not). What is more important to know on a more global basis is that this need exists. The follow up question would be, “How is it expected that this need will met by becoming clergy” or even if it is met at all. My experience is there are answers to both questions.

Let’s first look at how this need may be met by becoming clergy. The need for affection reflects a desire for positive emotional connection between people and the amount of closeness a person seeks. These criteria can be accomplished by expressing personal feelings to someone who is empathic, being supportive of others in troubled times, responding to others who share personal information in an empathic manner, and enjoying the encouragement of others for your efforts or encouraging others. They also indicate that the need for affection can be met both by showing affection and receiving affection.

These exchanges can be expressed verbally or behaviorally. Sometimes gifts are exchanged, loyalty is demonstrated in conflict situations, being flexible or accommodating, people pleasing, and giving others more than they want or need are examples of how this can happen in a pastoral relationship. There are also physical shows of affection that go beyond behavioral in that they involve the actual touching of two people. This is not always an appropriate option for clergy and their congregants. Certainly handshakes, high fives, and a hand on the shoulder can be appropriate as well as inappropriate – context is what makes the difference.

These expressions are common to the workplace and are many times not only shared between colleagues, but also between supervisors and their charges. The second question, the one that wonders if these needs for affection are met at all, is wrapped up in the answer to the first question.

There is a unique conundrum for clergy in the pulpit. What role do they play in the lives of their congregants? What is expected from them by the congregants and leaders of the church? Those who are active in church leadership are usually volunteers and rarely are they easily dismissed if their leadership is troublesome for the pastor. It is rarely clear who is in charge – is it the pastor? is it the lay leadership? The pastor is expected to lead the very people who sign their paycheck. Ideally, this becomes a well functioning partnership for the advancement of the kingdom. Anyone who spends much time in the church knows that this situation is rarely ideal.

This combination of dynamics is the perfect storm for clergy burnout. If the clergy’s need for affection has him people pleasing, working to satisfy everyone’s needs and desires, taking on work that others should be doing and participating in most of the church meetings, the first impact will be seen in the amount of time the clergy is spending ‘at work’ each week.

Secondary impacts will result from how this spent energy is interpreted by the congregants. Some congregants will offer gratitude. Because the need for affection is fed by gratitude, the clergy person is rewarded for this overfunctioning behavior, is led to do more to get ever increasing affection and a pattern has then been established. Pulling back is difficult because then congregants frame this as the clergy person ‘isn’t doing enough’, or some other negative connotation could occur.

Conversely, if the clergy isn’t getting any show of gratitude for what she feels is good work, she will work harder to get the withheld affection. Either way, the clergy is working very hard to earn the affection of the congregation. As they say, something’s gotta give! This endless, tiring circle of effort fuels burn out.

When burn out sets in, logic and rational thinking begin to fade away. Rationalizing bad behavior becomes easier. This is the point at which the clergy may seek out inappropriate affection from church members. The burnout problem becomes more than burn out, it becomes unethical behavior. At this point, clerics are risking their entire career.

How can this be managed in a way that is healthy? There are a few things that can help.

First, a supportive spouse can be a life saver. Second, a formal assessment of this need for affection will determine objectively for the clergy what their level of need is. An elevated need for affection is not a bad or good thing – it just is. What one does with this information is what determines good self-care. Another pro-active approach would be to consult a clergy coach. An open, honest conversation with that coach about how one responds to criticism and appreciation and how they affect pastoral behavior can help a cleric develop a personalized, planned response to these situations rather than become reactive in a manner than will compromise otherwise good ministry.