Legitimate Needs – The Seventh Level of Intimacy

 Legitimate needs are things we need to survive and there are legitimate needs at every level of our existence. The legitimate needs of the physical, intellectual and spiritual realms can be met without the assistance of another person, in theory. It might not be fun but it can be done. Legitimate emotional needs can only be met when we are in a relationship.

Needs are not wants. Needs are crucial to our well being. Unmet physical needs cause physical death. Unmet intellectual needs (stimulation and challenge) make our senses dull, lackluster, and slow down response time. Unmet spiritual needs (silence and solitude) take us out of touch with the wonder and awe that surrounds us – we become indifferent to the uniqueness of each moment, which ultimately can affect our relationships. Unmet emotional needs cause relationships to wither and die. We become serial lovers instead of soul mates. We keep repeating our relationship mistakes over and over again – at home, work, play, and church. We thrive when our legitimate needs are met – especially if they are met in all of these areas.

It isn’t until we attain the seventh level of intimacy that we can begin to build the best version of ourselves and allow others to do the same. Levels three through six are about accepting others as unique individuals. Being able to respond to each other in an on going, organic way, as needs arise and sometimes even in anticipation of those needs arising, are what level seven is all about.

So what are our legitimate emotional needs? Matthew Kelly lists them as……

1. Opportunities to love and be loved.

2. Opportunities to express our opinions.

3. To be listened to and taken seriously.

4. To share your feelings.

5. To be accepted for who you are.

6. The need for intimacy.

How these needs are met are different for everyone. When faced with a problem one person may need to be alone to think it through and another may need to discuss it with a friend. Neither way is right, it is whatever you need it to be. Another example – how do you know when you are being taken seriously? One person may base it on the verbal response they get, another on a behavioral response – neither is the ‘right’ way.

Don’t be persuaded by your wants. A life philosophy of getting what you want is selfish and doesn’t speak of caring for another. It isn’t based on giving and receiving. Satisfying a want at the expense of another is not healthy relationship. Legitimate needs are not met by momentary pleasure. To quote Matthew Kelly, “You can never really get enough of what you don’t really need.”

Trouble comes when you and your partner both want what you want and are not willing to attend to anyone else’s needs. If the two truly don’t become one, intimacy fails. Relationships aren’t about getting what you want, it’s about getting what you need and being sure your partner gets what they need to become the best-version-of-themselves. Matthew Kelly puts it this way, “Love is a desire to see the person we love be and become all he or she is capable of being and becoming.”

So how does this all shake out in the church relationships? Here is a quick wrap up…..

1. Opportunities to love and be loved.

            Where and how does this happen in your church? Are people involved in the ministries they are passionate about (opportunities to love others). Are people being loved by the members of the church (i.e. allowed to pursue their ministry passions, equal ‘air time’ with their opinions, respect when they differ, etc.)

2. Opportunities to express our opinions.

            Are the opinions of others allowed to be expressed? Are they invited to express them? How does your church involve others in their decision making process? How do they seek out those who are not in leadership positions to learn their feelings on any particular topic?

3. To be listened to and taken seriously.

            Once someone is involved in an opportunity to share their opinion, are they listened to? Are they taken seriously? How do you convey that they are being listened to and taken seriously – even if what they have to say seems far out?

4. To share your feelings.

            What happens when someone is hurting at your church? Do they get the clichéd responses like “All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle” or “God has a plan for this, just you wait and see.” Such responses when someone is talking about their feelings are actually a roadblock to relationship. These responses don’t convey the message that you care about their feelings. These responses speak to the listener’s relationship with God and can send a very different message than what you intend. For example, they could be interpreted to mean, “Don’t talk to me about this, talk to God” or “If you remembered this little bible verse you wouldn’t be hurting so much.” Chances are if they are in church they know what God thinks, they want to connect with YOU at the moment.

5. To be accepted for who you are.

            Each of us is a unique individual. We all have our quirks and peculiarities. Can you welcome someone into your midst who struggles with more visible challenges (i.e. poor social skills, substance abuse) than you do (i.e. gossip, lust, etc)?

6. The need for intimacy.

            So how much do you know about someone who has just begun attending your church? Where do they work? Do they have children? What brought them to your church in particular? Getting to know someone through the 7 stages of intimacy right up to this one is what creates healthy relationship and brings them into a fellowship of people where they feel they can stay because it is the right place for them.