Legitimate Needs – The Seventh Level of Intimacy

 Legitimate needs are things we need to survive and there are legitimate needs at every level of our existence. The legitimate needs of the physical, intellectual and spiritual realms can be met without the assistance of another person, in theory. It might not be fun but it can be done. Legitimate emotional needs can only be met when we are in a relationship.

Needs are not wants. Needs are crucial to our well being. Unmet physical needs cause physical death. Unmet intellectual needs (stimulation and challenge) make our senses dull, lackluster, and slow down response time. Unmet spiritual needs (silence and solitude) take us out of touch with the wonder and awe that surrounds us – we become indifferent to the uniqueness of each moment, which ultimately can affect our relationships. Unmet emotional needs cause relationships to wither and die. We become serial lovers instead of soul mates. We keep repeating our relationship mistakes over and over again – at home, work, play, and church. We thrive when our legitimate needs are met – especially if they are met in all of these areas.

It isn’t until we attain the seventh level of intimacy that we can begin to build the best version of ourselves and allow others to do the same. Levels three through six are about accepting others as unique individuals. Being able to respond to each other in an on going, organic way, as needs arise and sometimes even in anticipation of those needs arising, are what level seven is all about.

So what are our legitimate emotional needs? Matthew Kelly lists them as……

1. Opportunities to love and be loved.

2. Opportunities to express our opinions.

3. To be listened to and taken seriously.

4. To share your feelings.

5. To be accepted for who you are.

6. The need for intimacy.

How these needs are met are different for everyone. When faced with a problem one person may need to be alone to think it through and another may need to discuss it with a friend. Neither way is right, it is whatever you need it to be. Another example – how do you know when you are being taken seriously? One person may base it on the verbal response they get, another on a behavioral response – neither is the ‘right’ way.

Don’t be persuaded by your wants. A life philosophy of getting what you want is selfish and doesn’t speak of caring for another. It isn’t based on giving and receiving. Satisfying a want at the expense of another is not healthy relationship. Legitimate needs are not met by momentary pleasure. To quote Matthew Kelly, “You can never really get enough of what you don’t really need.”

Trouble comes when you and your partner both want what you want and are not willing to attend to anyone else’s needs. If the two truly don’t become one, intimacy fails. Relationships aren’t about getting what you want, it’s about getting what you need and being sure your partner gets what they need to become the best-version-of-themselves. Matthew Kelly puts it this way, “Love is a desire to see the person we love be and become all he or she is capable of being and becoming.”

So how does this all shake out in the church relationships? Here is a quick wrap up…..

1. Opportunities to love and be loved.

            Where and how does this happen in your church? Are people involved in the ministries they are passionate about (opportunities to love others). Are people being loved by the members of the church (i.e. allowed to pursue their ministry passions, equal ‘air time’ with their opinions, respect when they differ, etc.)

2. Opportunities to express our opinions.

            Are the opinions of others allowed to be expressed? Are they invited to express them? How does your church involve others in their decision making process? How do they seek out those who are not in leadership positions to learn their feelings on any particular topic?

3. To be listened to and taken seriously.

            Once someone is involved in an opportunity to share their opinion, are they listened to? Are they taken seriously? How do you convey that they are being listened to and taken seriously – even if what they have to say seems far out?

4. To share your feelings.

            What happens when someone is hurting at your church? Do they get the clichéd responses like “All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle” or “God has a plan for this, just you wait and see.” Such responses when someone is talking about their feelings are actually a roadblock to relationship. These responses don’t convey the message that you care about their feelings. These responses speak to the listener’s relationship with God and can send a very different message than what you intend. For example, they could be interpreted to mean, “Don’t talk to me about this, talk to God” or “If you remembered this little bible verse you wouldn’t be hurting so much.” Chances are if they are in church they know what God thinks, they want to connect with YOU at the moment.

5. To be accepted for who you are.

            Each of us is a unique individual. We all have our quirks and peculiarities. Can you welcome someone into your midst who struggles with more visible challenges (i.e. poor social skills, substance abuse) than you do (i.e. gossip, lust, etc)?

6. The need for intimacy.

            So how much do you know about someone who has just begun attending your church? Where do they work? Do they have children? What brought them to your church in particular? Getting to know someone through the 7 stages of intimacy right up to this one is what creates healthy relationship and brings them into a fellowship of people where they feel they can stay because it is the right place for them.

A Little Deeper Look at the Third Level of Intimacy: Opinions

Many of us don’t do well with conflict. Extreme conflict or low level subtle conflict may shut us down. Some people are hypervigilant when it comes to detecting the slightest hint of controversy. Given that opinions are likely to indicate controversy or potential conflict, here is where relationships can bottom out.

“The reason that it is so important to learn to thrive in the third level of intimacy by accepting each other in spite of our differing opinions is because we generally reveal our dreams only to people we feel accepted by.”  This is the warning that Matthew Kelly includes in in chapter on the fourth level of intimacy, hopes and dreams. If we can’t get beyond the third level, we are at a very shallow level of relationship indeed.

We also tend to fool ourselves about our depth of relationship. We will say that we are at the other levels but as soon as we feel we are getting resistance, criticism, doubt, or any other sign of a lack of support, we use any one of a number of techniques to return to a shallower level. In fact the person we are sharing with may also use these techniques because she is uncomfortable for some reason. Some of these techniques could be humor, changing the subject, feigned agreement with our critic, and on and on.

For church members, lay leaders, and clergy, opinions are a part of the fabric of congregational life. Multiple denominations were birthed due to differing opinions and controversy. It’s inescapable. If we can see the goal of  talking about our opinions as exploring the topic and developing a fuller, more intimate understanding of one another, rather than establishing who is right and who is wrong (which is rarely the case), real relationship can become richer and more meaningful.

What does this mean for a congregation, board, or committee wrestling with a situation? It means that everyone has to make a real effort to see the other person’s point of view. Ask more questions about other people’s point of view than statements about your own. Answer honestly when asked a question. Understanding someone else’s point of view does not mean you accept their position, only that you understand. Matthew Kelly is correct when he says that acceptance is the secret to the third level.

Relationship challenges have the potential to help an individual become a better person. They are opportunities to learn about others and share about your self. A wonderful quote from the book says “It isn’t your job to fix the relationship. It is the relationship’s job to fix you.”

Let the Intimacy Begin....

 The first three levels of intimacy named by Matthew Kelly in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy are clichés, facts, and opinions. For many of us a good part of each day is spent in this shallow end of the intimacy pool. Sometimes it is so shallow that we are only getting the soles of our feet wet. Simple remarks that we aren’t really wanting a truthful response to are thrown out there to those who cross our paths. “How are you today” is asked of a receptionist while “I certainly hope he doesn’t tell me the truth” runs through our head. The same clichéd greeting, with or without the internal dialogue starts the conversation when we get home from work.

From the cliché level we move easily into the facts level. The receptionist might respond, “I’m fine. What’s the weather doing outside?” and we respond with a fact, “It’s snowing.” A few more pleasantries follow and we bury our head in a magazine while we wait for our name to be called. We might do the same thing to our partner when we get home.

If we are feeling a bit more daring with our partner we will venture into the opinions level. “It’s snowing” might be followed by our opinion, “I don’t think you should drive to that meeting tonight.” The opinion level is where most dialogue and depth of intimacy ends. Why is that? Because it is where we begin to be vulnerable. We don’t want to argue or look foolish.

So how would a conversation at church look following this pattern? How about something like this – “Hey! How are you this morning? I heard you were sick last week.” To which you would get something like this – “Hey, great to be back. I’m good now that I’ve taken a boat load of antibiotics. Thanks for asking!” So far so good, but there’s more. “I don’t know if you have heard this yet but pastor didn’t wear her vestments last week. She said it was too hot but I think she should wear them anyway – it’s part of the job and she knew that when she went to seminary.” Oh boy, now there’s a potential can of worms being opened. It can escalate quickly from here. Imagine if this was a question of theology!

In my opinion, this is where the point of disillusionment can rest most heavily. If you are in a relationship that goes to more depth than this, even all the way to the seventh level, and it falls apart because of a difference of opinion, it can be devastating. “I thought we had more than this. Walking away from this relationship because you don’t agree with me means that I can’t be real with you. You don’t value me because of me, you value me simply when I agreed with you.”

So let’s move this scenario from the sidewalk to the sanctuary. You have a number of relationships within your church that feel meaningful and then one day you begin to question some of the church teachings. You probably get many clichéd responses – like “Well, that’s where faith comes in – you just have to believe.” So you’ve just moved backwards in the intimacy venue from opinion to cliché.

But your curiosity is not satisfied and you begin to not only ask questions but take a stand that’s a bit different from that of your peers. You also begin to realize that each time you brooch the subject, someone is trying to tell you why you are wrong – they end their words with you by saying, “I’ll pray for you.” Before long you decide that you need to ‘take a break’ from church for a while and when you do, no one calls to check on you or visit you. People aren’t returning your calls, you’re extremely hurt and disillusioned – you thought they were your friends but you learned they were only friends as long as you thought like they do.

If you are a pastor, you may have experienced this at a denomination level rather than a church level. As a pastor, one of the greatest gifts you can give your congregants is the ability to tolerate sitting in the pews with a great diversity of view points. Many pastors spin their wheels trying to ‘get everyone on the same page.’ If parents did that with their children, the eldest children would be waiting forever for the younger children to catch up to their current maturity, they would be fed up with not being allowed to grow and would leave home.

Ahhh….but there’s the catch….can you, as pastor, sit with a diversity of view points while people are working their way through to an understanding of an issue that will make sense to them? Could you possibly even facilitate the journey for them? What if they end up at an understanding that doesn’t match yours? Can you stay in relationship with someone who doesn’t see things exactly as you do? This may be the point of intimacy that a church is functioning at. It’s a dangerous place because the premise is that as long as we all agree, we will get along. Intimacy is built on learning how to stay in relationship when there is stress.

Shallow Church Relationships

The Seven Levels of Intimacy

According to Matthew Kelly there are seven levels of intimacy. He describes them in his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, as they relate to couples. The principles however, apply to any relationship and any number of people. He describes succinctly how those of us who work with people in relationship understand intimacy: mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known. The principles could be applied to families and organizations – particularly the church.

The levels do not function as discrete modes of intimacy but intermingle at any given time, situation, or relationship. The seven levels described are:

(1) Clichés (“Pretty hot out there today, isn’t it?”)

(2) Facts (“Nasty accident on the road by the convenience store on my way home.”)

(3) Opinions (“I think the decision to change the date for the meeting is wrong.”)

(4) Hopes and Dreams (“Someday I’d like to own my own restaurant.”)

(5) Feelings (“This gray, rainy day has drained my motivation.”)

(6) Faults, Fears and Failures (“I am so messed up I can’t even make up my own mind.”)

(7) Legitimate Needs (“If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me. I need to be loved even after you know my dark side.”)

In this blog series, each of these will be explored as they relate to church relationships.

Many relationships, from casual acquaintances to long term committed partnerships, don’t advance past level three or four. There are a lot of people who would argue with me on this point, but if you ask people who deal at a professional level with relationships, they would agree. I have watched it in couples who have been together for decades – and these same people would report that they have a ‘deep relationship’. Relatively speaking, they probably have as deep a relationship as they can without some further guidance – maybe even as deep as it can be because of other issues – but we can always go deeper.

So what does this look like among church members? How does it benefit the local church or the church universal? How does a pastor nurture appropriate intimate relationships among their congregants? The next few blogs in this series will look at these questions as the seven levels are explored as they pertain to churches and their congregations.